Monday, February 7, 2011

Losing the love of my life.(UPDATED)


THIS AINT GONNA BE PRETTY


Normally I do my best to try to be positive, to remember the choices I have made and to have optimism and enlightenment as my goal. However, now and then, I am reminded of the pain, that many exmormons feel, the damage done, the hurt, often not by any choice of their own that is experienced.


Have any of you ever fell in love and lost the love of your life? I have…..I know that hurt……this is worse.


I loved, truly loved a child that came into our home…..it was almost the end of me to have to tell the agency involved that their deceit and lies about his illness made it impossible for our family to be able to have him in our home….every member of our family was in therapy trying to learn to live with him. I connected with him, in a way no one else did, having to make the choice to tell them it wasn’t going to work and sending him back was the only way to save my family. It was a terrible choice, but the correct one. My heart even today, years later, is still damaged due to that incident. Although we were lied to about the f.a.s. and other issues, I at least made a choice to try to accept the adoption.


The departure from the lds church, and the sense of loss, sadly is even greater than that experience.


I mention these because; I want you to know, how deeply, how truly, how sincerely I loved the LDS church. It became an entity unto itself. It became…….The Church!


I lived, breathed, slept, dreamed, imagined, I bought it all, hook line and sinker. Every time something occurred in conflict with the teachings and principals I believed were Christ like I just scratched my head……until my hair fell out.


I DID NOT LEAVE THE MORMON CHURCH…..IT TRULY LEFT ME.
It left me by having me see my wife….in a truly creepy situation with an apostle and other high church officials when I was called into the Stake Presidency.


It left me when it made real promises to me and broke them, over and over again.


It left me when I discovered, what I still believe today to be fraudulent accounting practices and deceptions to the members in Canada regarding the humanitarian aid fund and additionally where LDS members tithing money actually goes from Canada. Or the money spent on the LDS temple to commerce in Salt Lake City and how it is possible that so much money could be spent on a shopping mall more expensive then any other building complex ever made (by square foot costs).


It left me when it told me, knowing every truth about me…that I was called of God and worthy to serve……and then when things got tough……it changed its mind. It lied to me. It hurt me.


I know of no one in my life that loved the LDS church more truly. I know of no one in the LDS church that spend as many hours on their knees trying to faithfully resolve the intellectual, historical, social, or cultural issues.


I know of no one that tried harder than I did to make it all work, to do the mental gymnastics necessary to keep it all going.


I loved the LDS church…..I miss, terribly miss the construct and purpose and organization in my life. I so miss the respect and relationship I had with my father in law before his daughter of her own knowledge and free will left the church with me. Now, he can’t even look me in the eye. I knew him before I knew my wife….while she was away at college he was my home teacher. I had a relationship with him of mutual respect and honestly for over twenty years now. Until the day I sent my resignation letter in. Now sadly, he has nothing to say to me.


He was there, the day of the famous priesthood meeting especially called to get rid of the problem……me. He saw my pain, knew how faithful I had been, he said……”in a few years there is going to be some excommunications in this stake this is not right.”
But today…….he follows his leaders, he supports that Stake President, he honors his faith.

I WAS COMPLETELY HONORABLE TO THE LDS CHURCH……IT WAS NOT HONORABLE TO ME, NOR TO MY FAMILY.


I loved the LDS church, more than any human, more than my children, more than my wife. I am embarrassed and ashamed of that fact…..but it is true.


It dumped me……and I am heartbroken.


There are days, when I wish, oh how I wish, that I had never been in a situation that lowered my imagination of the facts enough to see the truth. There are days when I think…..wouldn’t it just be easier to say it’s true, to lie, to keep all our friends, to keep the structure and organization in our lives?
Like the SP said, in time this will all be forgotten, (the terrible sin of 9 years earlier taking private photos of my wife that some YMan working in my home decided to snoop in my bedroom drawer and find and gossip about) and I would once again be set on high in the lds church calling lottery.


Bullshit!


If it is wrong, I should never have been called; they knew everything and still felt I was the man. If it was not wrong….no amount of member judgement or as some locally have called it ‘member conspiracy’ to remove the guy who was not afraid to shake things up, would have mattered.


I DID NOT DEPART FROM THE LDS CHURCH…….IT DEPARTED FROM ME.


I have these days, now and then, when I miss it, when someone would likely say to me “Then why not come back, why not re-join?


Because it’s not true! Not in the sense of what it has promised me and millions of others that it is. How can I dishonour what I have learned, what I know to be true.


I did not learn of all of the historical or doctrinal issues until I learned for myself, personally through experience, that the organization is not, what it claims to be. Then, the historical deceptions and lies became obvious and sealed the fate for me and for my family.


Most days now are filled with choice, with appreciation and joy for the new world we live in. Filled with a wanting of truth in my life to replace the construct of many years of lies spent therein. Filled with hope, service, joy, enlightenment.


But, every once in a while, I am reminded of what I have lost, of the love that chose to dump me, of the sad truth that I must face, that no matter how much I want it to be true…..


IT IS NOT!!!


That has broken my heart.


I am doing what I can, along with hundreds of thousands of other people leaving the movement every year. Millions now struggling with the same issues as member and the faithful spew their unkind judgements and the leaders shrug their shoulders in judgment and ask “why can’t they just leave us alone?”


We never left the LDS church……it left us….and our hearts are broken…….we have lost the love of our lives, there is for me, no amount of tears that will replace it.


I am grateful for my immediate family for sticking with us. For accepting in their TBM brains that it was all, as they would pass it off, as “Church Politics” and therefore not having to blame either party.


But having now lost all of our church friends, having no one wanting to know our truth, lest their belief construct is challenged, knowing the type of honorable family we are, how can they stay associated with us. How can they not have their beliefs incredibly challenged……knowing our truths? I would likely do no different……I would have distanced myself, in the same scenario as an active member, I can’t judge them, I likely would not have been, any better.


Was it my choice technically to send the letter in, to actually become disassociated with the LDS church? Absolutely for it (the entity of 'the church') had written its letter to me, over and over again, in so many ways, in so many deceits and dishonours.


I was one who would have faithfully died for the faith. I would never have imagined…….ever……that it would choose……to die in me. That it would choose to leave me.


Shame on it, shame on the leaders who have kept the secrets in the past, shame on the leaders who keep things from the members today (I know for a fact they do, I have documentation proving it). Shame on all of them who do so, in an effort to fulfill the greatest calling given to LDS leaders in this century, that of “Protecting the reputation of the LDS church above all else”.


They say that a good man....does not really need to defend his reputation.....I say the same thing about a good church....trust me....I should know.

UPDATE:
I have added this video that I feel is applicable to this blog. See if you understand why?



4 comments:

  1. Norm, glad you posted this. My husband always says the church left him as well. He had a wonderful experience with it growing up, a great mission, then things began to unravel when he tried serving in it as an adult.

    I'm looking forward to reading more here!

    ReplyDelete
  2. I am really glad you are sharing your story. I am really glad you are sharing the pain as well as the optimistic stuff. I believe in facing pain - no matter what the pain is.

    And I'm excited to read more.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Holy smokes Norm! Where you said "Have any of you ever fell in love and lost the love of your life? I have…..I know that hurt……this is worse." It's TRUE!!! My marriage to my highschool sweetheart, almost 26 years, 5 children, ended -- and the betrayal I felt from the LDS church hurt more! I wondered if I was the only one to feel that way and if I was wierd, because I loved my husband more than my next breath... but processing what happened to my children and I at the hands of the LDS church has been far harder than my marriage ending. Wow... I *knew* I wasn't going to get much sleep tonight. Thanks. (Oh, BTW, I'm an Ontarian too!)

    ReplyDelete
  4. Catherine, please facebook request me or email me at nthompson@vitamix.com I know a bit of your story. Dan and I are friends. Norm

    ReplyDelete